35 Kouguni AUs
by MsLyoness
Summary: A series of Koumokuten/Aguni short stories, because I can't help who fires my creativity. Try it anyway because there's quite a bit of humor, and surely some of you want to see him get attacked by a grizzly. The genre and character filters reflect the latest posted chapter.


1. **She-Wolf**

_He didn't believe the warning. But seriously, who'd expect a werewolf? (Humor, T)_

.

.

(Author's Notes: I admit it, horrible people who enjoy slaughter and in one case desperately need plastic surgery are beloved characters to me. Oh well, if Sadist Taishakuten is so popular, I don't see why I can't adore Aguni and Koumokuten, who at least are actually funny. Some of these stories have Tamara and her mom [who I tend to call "Parvati" because CLAMP never told us her name] and some don't, some are sad and some are funny, some have happy endings and some have angsty endings, and most warrant a T rating with a number of M ones thrown in.

And like the other AUs, a few of these rate posting on a more adult-oriented site [search "Adult Fanfiction" on Google and it'll be the first one that pops up]. If you're interested enough in Aguni, or you just really like detailed straight lemons with insatiable women and wisecracking men, I'll tell you in the author's notes here when I've posted one.

If you would like to see the cover that I worked so hard on at its intended size, please head on over to mslyoness [period] deviantart [period comma], either on the front page of the gallery or in the "RG Veda" folder. I _hate _how tiny this site displays covers, it's imbecilic. Also, please vote in the "Favorite couples" poll I have on my profile no matter whom you ship, because I'm trying to get a better understanding of what the fandom likes for future fics.

See if you can figure out which song inspired this first story. It should be obvious to some of you, I would hope, and I did use a line from it, so see if you can catch it. And I haven't been very true to werewolf legends, I'm sorry to say. Oh well.)

.

.

Thank you God, the end was in sight. Koumokuten Weste mentally praised Jesus as he saw the turnoff for the little town of Lupine, nestled in the wooded foothills of the Cascade Range in western Washington state. Moving cross-country with a tantrum-throwing little girl was the sort of thing that deserved its own reality show, where at least he'd be getting paid for Tamara freaking out. Keeping his eyes on the road, since he was after all driving along a cliff, he happily proclaimed, "Only about half an hour to go, honey!"

Tamara deigned to look up from her Bratz handheld game, and whined, "Daddy, drive faster! I wanna get out of this van!"

"Honey, if I drive faster, we might end up in an accident. But like I said, we're almost there. And boy, look at these trees! No wonder the lumber company had a manager opening, this place is like money growing from the ground!" he enthused.

Yup. Koumokuten was that individual whom environmentalists wanted to punch: a logging manager. Not just sustainable logging, either. Nope, the older forests had more wood than a newer, replanted forest, and he had no qualms about destroying habitats and precious plants that got rid of carbon dioxide, which the planet sort of had an overabundance of. Granted, wood _was _needed for building, but this was rather excessive.

"I wish your mom could see this," he sighed, watching the trees flash by. "She loved money too."

Koumokuten's wife Parvati had died in childbirth, and as he wasn't prime catch material, he'd resigned himself to the fact that there would probably never be another one. When he'd gained a daughter and lost a spouse he'd been shell-shocked, but had quickly slipped into Daddy Mode. So yes, getting up at all hours of the night to feed formula and change diapers had made him want to scream, but he'd managed.

They were a little unit, father and daughter. She thought he could do no wrong and was the awesomest person in the history of the world, and he thought she was the light of his life. He was aware that come her teenage years much of that would probably go down the drain, but she was only six now, so he had a while until she decided she hated him. For now, she did throw tantrums, but for the most part she practically worshipped the ground he walked on. Somehow, that usually seems to happen when it's a dad and a little girl, probably because daddies are more apt to spoil daughters than sons.

Half an hour later, Koumokuten pulled into the driveway of his new home. This home was large, but very out of the way, set miles from any major roads and hidden by a row of trees. The property also featured a pond and some nice big rocks in the midst of the cedar forest, and darn it if it wasn't a prime habitat for deer, racoons, cougars, coyotes, foxes, squirrels, chipmunks, all sorts of birds, and yes, bears too. Plus the four-inch-long banana and brown slugs, but Koumokuten had no idea that such gastropods existed, yet.

"We're here!" he said proudly, putting the car in park. "That wasn't so bad, now was it?"

"I have to go potty," Tamara whined, already unbuckling her seatbelt. "Daddy, let me in the house!" she wailed, shoving the car door open and running towards the front door.

He hastily obeyed, and as Tamara bolted for the bathroom, he stepped inside and breathed deep the sweet smell of his new digs. Man, this was a nice house, so much bigger than his old one back in Wisconsin. And he'd been floored when this one had come to his attention, mostly because of the drastically low price for a home like this.

The real estate agent, Vahyu Breezeton, had been very helpful and friendly. A little _too _friendly, in fact. Vahyu had offered to take Koumokuten out for drinks, and the way he'd said it made it very clear he wasn't talking about a couple beers between buddies. Nope, Koumokuten was pretty damn sure that Vahyu was gay, so he'd rebuffed the drink offer in no uncertain terms. Then told him to "Get the fuck outta my face, homo boy."

But he'd never have to deal with Vahyu again, right? Right, if all went well. He'd served his purpose, just like the prior owner, Bishamonten Northking, a corporate ladder-climber who'd enjoyed his privacy and actually had this house built.

But now Bishamonten was off to a high-paying position in London, and Koumokuten was ever so grateful that he was, because the lumber manager would've never gotten this house otherwise. Bishamonten had priced it a lot lower than he could have just to get it to sell faster, and Koumokuten had snapped it up. He was a little worried about how remote it was, but the road up to it was in good condition and with phones, he and Tamara would be okay. Really, he'd never have been able to afford this house if it had been priced at its value, so he was lucky to have gotten it.

As he strolled into the kitchen, he noted with approval that as per the sales agreement, some of the furniture had been left here. Good, because he'd paid for it. Bishamonten had of course taken the expensive stuff, but he'd been more than happy to jettison the regular stuff, like the kitchen table and chairs. And huh, there was a note on the table. So Koumokuten crossed to it, picked it up, and began to read.

The note said, "Dear Mr. Weste,

"Congratulations on moving into this fabulous home. However, I must tell you something that I never mentioned during the selling process –"

"Whaddya mean, 'something you never mentioned'?!" Koumokuten snarled aloud, scowling at the paper. Shit, had Bishamonten neglected to tell him that the water heater frequently broke, or something? If so, he was getting his lawyer.

"No, nothing is wrong with the house or property, please calm down," the note continued, making Koumokuten heave a gigantic sigh of relief. "The thing I must tell you is this: there's a werewolf around here. I see her in the woods sometimes, and –"

Now Koumokuten guffawed, making Tamara pop her head into the room, wondering what was going on. Her father didn't notice, because he was too busy laughing at Bishamonten's stupid, glaringly obvious attempt to play a joke on him. Werewolves? Please. This was 2013, nobody was stupid enough to believe in werewolves anymore! Okay, except for those exceedingly rare people afflicted with clinical lycanthropy, where they were convinced they could turn into a wolf, but some antipsychotics and a stint in a padded room usually cured that.

Just for giggles, he read the rest of the note.

"– And she has attempted to remove my pants on one harrowing occasion. Please, be on your guard, and make sure that when the moon is full, you lock the doors and windows. I don't know who she is in the daytime, or if she lives in the town or wild in the woods, but if you hear a wolf howl, be extra vigilant.

"Best regards,

"Bishamonten Northking

"P.S. She'll go for any man, even someone as unattractive as you."

"You can suck it, pretty boy," Koumokuten grumbled, crumpling the note up and tossing it into the corner. "Your attempt at a prank was dumb, but there was no reason to bring insults into it too. I hope your plane crashes on a mountain and you die, and the survivors eat you first. With gusto and relish."

With that he put the warning out of his head, and went back out to the van to continue unloading. The number-one priority now was their turtle, who had been most upset to be moved. His name was Varuna, and boy, he liked to be in the water. He was a threatened wood turtle, which technically made him illegal to have but oh well, Koumokuten didn't care. He'd picked him up off the road Varuna had been trying to cross, thinking, _Score! Now I won't have to buy one!_

Back then he'd been little, now he was big, with a shell six inches wide. Koumokuten had had him for over twenty years, and by now his aquarium was a thing of beauty. Moving it had been a huge pain, and Koumokuten was going to hate setting it all up again, but leaving Varuna behind with somebody else had not been an option. He was one of the main reasons they'd decided to drive out here and ship the stuff, seeing as they could put him in a smaller terrarium in the backseat and they couldn't do that on a plane.

Tamara adored him. She'd been emphatically instructed by her father to _always _wash her hands _very _thoroughly after handling Varuna, because turtles could carry all sorts of nasty bacteria. But he liked her, because she fed him treats on the down-low, and he never tried to bite her or even really to get away.

Now, he watched with interest as Koumokuten set up his bigass tank. Oh good, Varuna had felt so cramped in the little one he'd been in for a week. He had no idea why they'd done that to him, or where this new place was that smelled like coniferous trees, but as long as he'd be in the spacious terrarium and get his food, he was happy. Heck, he'd be happy in a desert climate if he had his habitat and nummies, as Tamara called his formulated turtle food.

_I'm hungry, _he thought to himself. _I'd like some nummies, please. Now. Right now. NOW! Oh, if only I could bark like a dog. Instead, I have to do this._

He batted a limb against the glass, as hard and as repetitively as he could. The little tapping sound finally made Koumokuten turn, and he grinned as he replied, "Aw, don't worry Varuna, I'll get this thing set up in no time, and then you can be home again. Patience, buddy."

Varuna just tapped harder, and if he'd had eyebrows he would've been frowning. No, he wanted _food! _In fact, he wanted a feeder goldfish or five, those were the best. The turtle pellets and vegetable scraps were one thing, but the feeders were not only delicious, they were entertaining. Varuna was an omnivorous predator, and he wanted some prey, now.

"I think he's hungry, Daddy," Tamara piped up, nodding at Varuna. "Can I give him a treat?"

"Sure honey, make him settle down," Koumokuten agreed, piling bedding into the tank. "But only two, okay? We don't want him getting overweight and loading up on junk food. Despite what the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles tell you," he smirked, but she didn't get that reference.

Tamara fed Varuna three turtle treats behind her dad's back, and all was well.

.

Four days later, once the furniture had arrived and the necessities were all unpacked, Koumokuten found that his job wouldn't be as great as he'd thought it would be. A lot of the loggers resented a new guy coming in who wasn't even from around here, and they made no bones about it. Koumokuten figured that he had to prove his worth, and at the same time, to make them respect his wrath. So he yelled at them for the nastiest examples of dislike, and made the mental vow that if one of them got pinned under a tree, he would take his time cutting it away.

That evening, he found himself serving Tamara some casserole with a grumpy expression on his face, picturing Jim-Bob Thudpucker getting his arms chopped off by a chainsaw. Then he firmly reminded himself not to upset Tamara, and asked her pleasantly, "How was daycare, honey? And did you see anything interesting in our backyard today? Like another deer?"

"Daddy, there was a wolf out there," she said seriously. "He was on the biggest rock, and he just looked at me for a real long time."

"A _wolf?!_" Koumokuten tried to confirm, a bit afraid. "Honey, are you sure it wasn't a big dog?"

If there were wolves around, he was never letting her outside by herself ever again, uh-uh, no way, no how. Yeah the odds of it attacking a human were slim, but she was little and even coyotes could be very dangerous. And if it hadn't turned tail and run at the sight of her, it clearly was accustomed to humans and might pull something.

So maybe Bishamonten had been right, except not the whole werewolf part, what a moron. Maybe it was just a lone wolf, not a pack, you occasionally heard about those. And lone wolves might get desperate, without a pack to help them bring down their natural big prey. A cute little girl might be just what the veterinarian ordered, yikes.

"He wasn't a _dog_, Daddy," Tamara said condescendingly to her stupid father. "He was too big, and he was gold!"

"Well, honey, wolves are usually gray," he pointed out in relief. "You sure it wasn't some big Huskie? Or some sorta mutt?"

"He was a _wolf_," she insisted. "I waved at him and he didn't wag his tail, he just cocked his head and looked at me real hard. And he didn't have a collar, and he had really big paws, and he wasn't barking! Riley barked all the time," she said smugly, recalling the dog next door at their old house.

Koumokuten decided then that even if it were just a big dog, he'd keep her inside unless she was with him. After all, dogs could kill people too, and since their house was pretty isolated, it would have to be a feral dog all the way out here. So he smiled, nodded, and steered the conversation around to daycare, which was a smart thing to do. Tamara talked for five minutes about her new friends, and by the time dinner was over, Koumokuten was relieved to hear that she was settling in. Heck, she was settling in better than he was, he decided as he loaded the dishwasher. Lucky kid.

They played a couple games of checkers until it was eight o'clock, at which point the dad sent the daughter upstairs to get ready for bed. He idly turned on the news when she was gone, suffered through three human interest stories because he'd missed the headline news, and finally shut it off, growling, "I don't fucking care about the Boy Scout troop that makes birdhouses for a blind lady. I also don't care about the broad who makes ugly jewelry using heirloom seeds."

"Daddy?" came Tamara's faint call from upstairs. "I'm ready!"

"Okay honey!" he called, moving over to the stairs and trotting up them. "I'm coming!"

He walked down the hallway that had lots of boxes in it, and opened her bedroom door, which revealed a room with no boxes but toys all over the floor already. It was a nice big room, with pink curtains (those were the reason she'd demanded it), which were currently drawn back to show the outside world. The moon was full, he noted offhandedly, paying no attention to Bishamonten's warning. Nope, he was just pleased that the room would be lighter for Tamara, because she was afraid of the dark. Then he noticed that her window was open, and since it had no screen, anything could have gotten in!

"Tamara, don't leave your window open like this," he scolded, closing it completely and then locking it. "That's just _asking _for a home invasion."

She pouted, then wheedled, "Daddy, will you do the checklist now?"

Ah, the checklist. It was one of those little parent-child rituals, which had evolved from her paranoia. So he forced a smile and agreed, "Sure honey. Closet door's closed –" he knocked on it to scare off the monsters, and missed the slight intake of breath from inside, "– night light's on, big light's off –" he flicked the switch, then checked under the bed with an airy, "– nothing under here, and you have Florence the bunny right there with you."

He gave her a kiss on the forehead, and murmured, "Sweet dreams, Princess."

"Night-night, Daddy," she giggled, hugging her stuffed toy. "Sleep tight, don't let the bedbugs bite!"

"Night honey."

And with that, he was walking out the door, closing it behind him with a sullen thought of, _This checklist thing was cute four years ago, but now it's wearing thin. But if I try to stop it, she'll throw a fit. All the books say to let your kid end things like this on her own, but that could be years away!_

_Calm down, Kou, _he told himself as he trudged into the living room and picked up a book. _It's only so bad now because your day sucked. Just read __this latest installment of the "Ryuu Cousins" series, and immerse yourself in a world of murder, a prodigy crime-solver, and his two sidekicks with the hippie hair._

He settled himself down on the couch, opened the book to the bookmark, and began to read. Now, he was pretty sure that the butler did it, because –

"DaddEEEEE! There's a she-wolf in the closet, Daddy!" Tamara screeched, and he clenched the book so hard it tore a little bit at the binding. How did she get these stupid monster-in-the-closet ideas in her head?

"No there's not, honey!" he called upstairs, loath to relinquish his novel. "It's just clothes and shadows, Tamara. Turn over and go to sleep, okay? Daddy's had a rough day, and –"

"She's grinning at me, Daddy!" Tamara downright sobbed, sounding completely hysterical. "She has really sharp teeth! SAVE ME, DADDY!" she bawled, and he slammed the book down and stomped over to the stairs, muttering about adoption agencies.

Her terrified bawling got louder the closer he got, which meant he got more and more annoyed the closer he got. Gawd, what was it about little kids that made them so stupid sometimes? A she-wolf in her closet… sheesh, what was next, a T. rex in the basement? Or a kraken in the pond? Tomorrow, he was going to lecture her on overactive imaginations and pull out all the scientific evidence that monsters didn't exist, and she'd believe it too. He'd_ make_ her believe it.

He opened her door and stepped in, soothing, "All right, honey, Daddy's…"

He trailed off as he came in sight of the closet, its door open and the light on. There was a _woman _in there! And she had wolf ears and a wagging tail, and what looked like wolf-skin clothes: a little loincloth and a band that barely contained boobs someone as muscular as she was really shouldn't have had. She was dark-skinned, blond, and her red lips were parted in a grin to reveal very sharp canines.

"Holy fuck, there _is _a she-wolf in your closet!" he yelled, sprinting over to the bed and grabbing his terrified daughter. "Honey, make a cross with your fingers and scream loud so she'll go away!"

The werewolf or whatever the hell she was just grinned some more, as Koumokuten slung the obediently screaming Tamara over his shoulder and raced out of the room. Down the hallway, and no pursuit. Down the stairs, and no pursuit. Through the living room, and still safe. Out the door and over to the garage –

"AAAAHH!"

She was perched on the garage roof, looking very pleased with herself. He skidded to a halt, spun on his heel, and raced towards the shed. There was a pitchfork there and that was his only hope, because she'd clearly jumped from the window onto the garage, and anything that could do that was tougher than he was.

"DADDY! She's following!" Tamara wailed, and shrieked some more.

Koumokuten ran even faster, practically colliding with the door but managing to halt in time. He yanked it open, grabbed the pitchfork, and spun around with a furious, "Back, demon beast! BACK!"

She had already backed up and was out of range, staring at him with what looked like disappointment. For a couple seconds all three of them were frozen, then the werewolf emitted a defeated whine, turned around, and bolted off into the woods as Koumokuten watched her go with great relief. Hallelujah, he'd scared her off! Praise the Lord, and now, to call the police to make sure she never came back.

Tamara started crying then, big wailing, overwrought sobs, and they worked perfectly because he shifted her so he was hugging her tight, and soothed, "It's okay, Princess, Daddy scared her off. Shhh, it's okay, we're safe now. Let's just go back inside, lock the doors, and Daddy will call the police, okay?"

"She was gonna eat me!" she bawled dramatically, burying her face in his shoulder. "WAAAAAH, Daddy!"

He patted her back and made soothing noises as he carried her back into the house, then locked the door. And for good measure, he put a chair underneath it, blocking the handle from turning. After that, he got the largest butcher knife he could. Then, after giving Tamara a cookie, he hauled out his phone and dialed 911.

"Some crazy broad just broke into my house," he said before the dispatcher could finish her greeting. "I chased her away, but she was in my daughter's closet!"

"Golly, that's awful," said the dispatcher, whose day job was knitting shop proprietor. "Hold on, I'll send the sheriff himself! Where do you live, sir? Oh, and I would advise you to arm yourself."

"Done that," Koumokuten said grimly, hefting the butcher knife. "But we're at 6661 Four Gods Road. You know, the big white house by Zenmi Pond?"

The dispatcher indeed knew that location, having been invited over there for a knitting party because Bishamonten was very in touch with his feminine side. He made the cutest scarves, and was in fact at this moment giving one to his sexy new neighbor Kisshouten, but that's not important right now. Koumokuten waited out the sheriff's arrival by pacing through the house with the butcher knife held high, suddenly paranoid that there was more than one werewolf. But nope, the house was empty except for him, Tamara, and Varuna, and when he saw the sheriff drive up from a window, he bolted down to meet him.

He opened the front door just as the sheriff opened his car door, and got out with predatory grace. He was a gorgeous man, pale with silver hair so long it belonged on a little girl's doll, and golden eyes that instantly gave Koumokuten the creeps, because they were so piercing and cold. He was all alone, no partner, and somehow Koumokuten had the sense that this man could kill _anybody _who threatened him, all by himself. He was carrying a notebook and a fancy pen, and as he shut the door, he asked, "Are you Koumokuten Weste?"

"Yeah. Thanks for coming," Koumokuten said fervently.

"I'm Sheriff Taishakuten Thunderson," he introduced himself, and he did not proffer a hand to shake. Instead, he flipped open his notebook and asked, "Can you describe the housebreaker, Mr. Weste?"

"Well, she was black. Or Indian. Or something not-white. And she had blond, poofy hair, down past her waist. Orange eyes, and she was very pretty, in-shape too. And she, uh…" Koumokuten took a deep breath, then said, "She had wolf features. See, the prior owner warned me there was a werewolf around, but I didn't belie–"

Taishakuten slammed his notebook shut with an angry look on his face, and snarled, "This is _not _funny, Mr. Weste. I don't think there was a housebreaker at all, just a man with a twisted sense of humor and an appetite for attention," he sneered, putting his hands on his hips.

"She was _here!_" Koumokuten insisted, waving his arms in his urgency. "She was standing in my daughter's closet! If you bring forensics in, you'll find –"

"Mr. Weste, I am not going to commit scarce resources for a joke," Taishakuten snapped, his eyes icier than a blizzard. "You've already wasted my time, getting me out here! Pat yourself on the back, you've just cost the taxpayers money. Good _job_," he drawled, the sarcasm withering and so thick you could cut it with a knife.

"No, listen, I know it sounds crazy –"

"If you persist in this juvenile prank, I will fine you six hundred dollars," Taishakuten interrupted, and Koumokuten could tell he meant it. The poor lumber manager shut his mouth, because what else could he do?

Taishakuten nodded in satisfaction, then warned, "If you do anything like this again, I will not only fine you, I will arrest you. What if someone had gotten killed while you were wasting my time? I might get audited if that happened, and I don't deserve to be taken to task for something that's _your _fault. Now, Mr. Weste, say you're sorry and I'll be on my way."

Through gritted teeth and picturing Taishakuten getting torn apart by the werewolf, Koumokuten apologized, "I'm sorry for getting you out here, sir. Thank you for not fining me."

"Very good. I'm leaving now."

And without any goodbye other than that, Taishakuten got back into his squad car and drove away. Koumokuten, trembling with rage, watched him go, then broke into a frenzy of swearing and kicking at the side of the house. Nasty arrogant girly-haired sonuvabitch! Not being believed was bad enough, but being made to apologize for the truth like a naughty schoolboy made him want to shoot the sheriff. And now the werewolf would get away with it too! She might even come back, and then where would he be?

Finally he made himself take a series of deep breaths, and square his shoulders with a determined look on his face. Okay. The werewolf had only been able to get in because Tamara had left her window open, so if he followed Bishamonten's advice, she shouldn't be able to again. He would also be installing a security system, so there, and it would have cameras too, so Taishakuten would have to believe him. And then – hey, then he could _sue _Taishakuten for not taking him seriously, and putting him in more danger!

He went back inside, where Tamara immediately demanded, "Daddy, is he going to arrest her?"

"Unfortunately not," he growled, locking the door. "He thought I was lying. But don't you worry, Tamara, Daddy's going to protect you. If we keep all the windows and doors locked, she can't get in. Plus, Daddy will be putting in a security system."

"I'm still scared, Daddy," she quavered, and so for tonight, he let her sleep next to him. He just hoped she wasn't going to make a habit of this, because he was afraid he'd roll over and crush her. But nope, the worst thing he did was snore, and she slept right through it, hugging Florence and dreaming sweet dreams of that cute redheaded boy at daycare, who was funnily enough Taishakuten's son. How's that for irony?

.

The very next day was a Saturday, and Koumokuten was in a tizzy over what to do with Tamara. He needed to run errands, but he couldn't leave her alone because what if the werewolf came back? And he didn't want to bring her with him, since one of his errands was to get her a new toy to soothe her, and he didn't want her to see it. Plus, Tamara + a toy store = constant whining and tantrums over what she wanted, and then he got dirty looks from all the other shoppers, not to mention the associates.

So… aha! He could hand her off to a friend's parent! Yes, that would work.

And so he called one up, asked for a favor, got the favor, and dropped Tamara off with an admonition of "Now, you play nice with Jessie, okay? Don't make her give you the best toys, and make sure to thank Mrs. Davidson for having you over."

"Yes Daddy," she said sweetly, and he praised, "That's my little Princess. Daddy will be back in maybe… two hours, okay?"

"Okay. Bye Daddy! I love you!"

_She's such a good kid, _he thought as he drove, completely ignoring the reports from teachers and daycare providers that Tamara bullied other children. _What a little angel. It's all thanks to me! I'm the best father ever, _he told himself with complete conviction, unaware that handing your kid a new toy to make her stop whining wasn't good, it was bad. Oh well.

First, the pet store, Fire Pets and Pet Products. The logo was a flaming dog, which Koumokuten thought was a little sick but oh well. He'd just typed "pet store Lupine WA" in on Google, and this was the first one that had popped up. Actually, it was the only one that had popped up, and he noticed as he walked in that this place had livestock supplies and feed too. It was huge and surprisingly modern for a town this size, but hey, he'd much rather have something like this than a grubby, farmer-frequented barn or something. Boy, this was like a Petco, with all sorts of stuff.

Following the signs, and admiring various fish for sale along the way, he found turtle supplies. And yay, the prices weren't too bad! Good, good. He loaded what he wanted into his basket, had an associate bag him some feeder goldfish, and strolled down the aisles to the cash registers, with a spring on his step and no idea what he was soon to encounter. And there wasn't even a line, which he logically assumed meant he'd be out of here soon.

"Did you find everything all right, sir?" the cashier asked politely. He was one of those sexy men who made Koumokuten feel inadequate, with his handsome face and really long dark hair, and nice midnight-blue eyes too, compared to a long, hollow-cheeked face with pinpointed eyes and merely semi-long black hair, pulled back into a low ponytail. Because of such a discrepancy in attractiveness, Koumokuten gave him the short and rather surly answer of "Yeah," and said no more.

The cashier said nothing else either, just smiled and quickly rang up the purchases, soon informing Koumokuten, "Your total is $49.32, please."

"I'll put it on credit," Koumokuten informed him in turn, and he did. But unfortunately, just as he was about to put the card back in his wallet…

"I'm sorry, something went wrong with the computer. I pressed the wrong button and it's locked up, and I don't have the code to get it working again," the cashier said apologetically, then grabbed the phone, pressed the intercom button, and intoned, "Manager to Register Two please, for a Thirty. Manager to Register Two for a Thirty."

"Incompetent dumbass," Koumokuten muttered under his breath, and the cashier frowned at the screen but gave no other indication that he'd heard him.

"Here I am, Yasha! Sir, I'm the owner of this store, and I'm here to make it all better," an alto announced, and Koumokuten turned to see a dark-skinned woman in her early twenties with a mane of blond hair, orange eyes, and a polo and khakis. He gasped in horror, because he knew very well who she was.

"She's the werewolf!" he howled, pointing a denunciatory finger at the owner, who assumed a look of shocked innocence. "I recognize that hair!"

"Sir, are you high or something?" the cashier asked, raising an eyebrow. "Ms. Fire is a respected member of our community, and she is most certainly _not _a werewolf. If you're talking about the big dog or whatever it is people sometimes see, that thing's been around here for six years, and she only moved here _three _years ago."

"Yasha, thank you for defending me," Ms. Fire cooed, patting his arm. "Now what seems to be the problem, sir?"

"The problem?! I'll tell you what the _problem _is, you lupine freak! You broke into my house and tried to eat my daughter, and were about to rip out my jugular!" Koumokuten yelled, making the entire store exchange "WTF?" glances.

She had the gall to give him a "You silly man" look, and snicker, "Heavens no. I have no idea who you even are, sir. I'm Aguni Fire, nice to make your acquaintance," she smiled brightly, sticking her right hand out for him to shake.

He glared at it as if he could make it crumble into dust with his furious gaze. What _nerve!_ Unless this lady had an identical twin, she was _definitely _the werewolf. And she was making him look stupid! It was bad enough she'd broken into his house, but now everyone thought he was crazy. Sometimes, life sucked so much you almost couldn't believe it, and he made the vow to buy a gun for when she inevitably came back.

"So you run this little establishment," he growled as she rapidly typed something in. "Surprise, surprise."

"I have a way with animals, especially dogs," she said proudly. "I can make the most aggressive pit bull into a cuddly lapdog, and the yappiest, ankle-bitingest Yorkie into a quiet fluffball you can leave alone with your gerbil. And that'll never pee on your carpet again."

"That's because you're a werewolf!" he insisted, and Yasha rolled his eyes. Koumokuten went on, "They know you're the alpha! They can _tell! _And I bet cats hiss at you all the time, and rabbits freak out, and guinea pigs –"

"Not true," she told him, grinning some more. "Animals love me, even the most neurotic hamster or skittish horse. Now, Mr. Weste, I can see that you have a turtle! We have excellent products for –"

"I'm never coming back to this store!" he snarled, sticking a finger in her face. "I don't trust you, you shape-shifting – uh… you shape-shifting… hooligan," he finished lamely, that being the first insult that came to mind. "Bitch" probably would've worked better, he realized with a resigned sigh.

She turned a pouty face to him, and sighed, "That's a real shame… because we're the only pet store in town. You could order things online from the manufacturers, but then you'd have to pay shipping. What if I gave you those turtle pellets for free today? Would that be enough for you to come back?" she offered with a smile, good-natured helpfulness oozing off of her in waves.

_No_. "Well, maybe," he hedged, unwilling to turn down free stuff. "It would help if you lowered the price on the bedding too," he hinted with a sledgehammer, and Yasha glowered as Aguni agreed, "Make it half-price, Yasha, and make the pellets free! Mr. Weste is a very valued customer, and we at Fire Pets and Pet Products work hard to keep our valued customers happy."

"We do indeed," Yasha mumbled glumly, obviously of the opinion that Koumokuten was cheating them. But he did as she said, and this time, when Koumokuten paid there were no problems. He snatched his receipt when it came, and Yasha forced a smile and a pleasant, "Thank you sir, have a nice day."

"Thanks, Yasha," Aguni grinned, hugging him around the shoulders. He suddenly looked very uncomfortable, and muttered, "Personal boundaries, Ms. Fire. Remember those?"

"Of course, of course," she smiled as Koumokuten stomped off, vowing to never darken this establishment's door again. Fucking werewolf! He _was_ going to buy everything online, so there, and ha ha, he'd saved $12.68 on turtle supplies. At least there was that.

Still, how _dare _she make him look stupid?! Now all the bystanders thought he was a crazy man. Soon there would be rumors about him, and they would grow as rumors always did, until half the town was convinced he was a paranoid schizophrenic who teetered between alcohol and drug use, shopping while high and accusing that nice Aguni Fire of being a werewolf. Well, maybe if he just asked around, he'd find that other people were suspicious too? If that wolf had been seen around, surely _somebody _had to have caught on.

"I don't trust that bitch," he growled to his rear window as he backed out of his parking spot. "What's she up to? Maybe she's just lulling me into a false sense of security. Well, if she comes around again, I'll put a silver bullet between her eyes. If, that is, I can find some online, because somehow I doubt the local gun shop is gonna carry those."

.

The very next day, Koumokuten patted his new Smith and Wesson, ever so happy that he'd bought it. Granted he'd had to have a long talk about Tamara about never touching it, and he locked it in a cabinet in his bedroom, but still, this was much better than before. If Aguni came around again, this time he'd blow her away, ha! That would teach her to try to eat Tamara.

Suddenly, as had been happening with increasing frequency, he was dying for some nicotine. He'd thought he'd succeeded in quitting back in Wisconsin, but with all the stress from the move and now Aguni, he'd fallen right back into his old smoking habits, and more than one rest stop on the drive here had really been a smoking stop. He justified it by only smoking outside so Tamara wasn't _as _exposed to the carcinogens (but she still was, and it would catch up with her later in life), and telling himself, "Once this high point of stress is over, I'll quit again, this time for good."

He stepped outside, pulling out his cigarettes and his lighter, and nearly tripped over something on the steps. He looked down, and a giant gift basket greeted him, wrapped in clear plastic and with a little orange bow on the handle. He gazed at it, completely perplexed. He saw chocolates, and flowers, and DVDs with titles like "Love by a Starry River" and "We Love Love," plus CDs of Barry White and Barry Manilow and "25 Greatest Love Songs of All Time," and even, partially hidden by the Godiva box, what might very well be flavored body oil.

So someone had clearly gotten the wrong guy, he sighed. They must have thought Bishamonten still lived here, because nobody ever sent _him _such things. Even Parvati had made it clear that she was settling, for God's sake.

And then he noticed a card taped to the plastic. A little red card, shaped like a heart. Great, he could see who'd sent this and hopefully track them down, and they could all have a good laugh about this mistake. He opened it, and his jaw dropped at what he read:

"Dearest Koumokuten,

"I hope you enjoy my little gifts. From the moment I saw you I wanted you, and I imagine us together all the time. My love for you is a burning wildfire, and when I make myself known, we'll be so happy with each other.

"Love and kisses,

"?"

He read the card through three more times, just to make sure he wasn't imagining things. And suddenly he glowered, and crumpled it up. This was a _mean _joke! This stuff was undoubtedly from some jerk at the lumber company, who'd laugh his head off when his target floated into work and mentioned his secret admirer.

Well, he wasn't going to give them that satisfaction! He'd take the basket inside and eat the chocolates, _maybe _listen to a few CDs to see if they were any good, but he'd never bring this up to anyone. And if somebody asked, "Hey, anything interesting happen over the weekend?" he'd reply, "Yeah, some dumbass tried to punk me, but I didn't buy it at all." Yup, Ashton Kutcher wannabes always gave themselves away by asking if you'd noticed their little prank. And when they did, he'd do something nasty in return.

Although damn, this must've been a pretty expensive prank, he realized as he carried the giant basket inside. Those were premium chocolates, and there were no less than _five _boxes of them. And a ton of DVDs and CDs, and now that he dug around, there were two things of flavored body oil, in bejeweled bottles. Yeah it was clearly acrylic or glass, but still. Well, it had probably been a _group _of pranksters, and they were counting on the expense to fool him into thinking some woman had done this.

…Or gay man, possibly.

He sucked in a breath, Vahyu the flirty real estate agent popping up in his head and waving. Holy fuck, what if it had really been _that guy?! _If so, he decided, he would bitch him out when he "made himself known," and maybe shove Barry Manilow down his throat or up his –

"Daddy? WOW! Where did you get all that stuff?" Tamara's voice asked, sounding covetous. He looked over to see his openmouthed daughter standing in the kitchen doorway, her eyes locked on the Lindor bag and a greedy expression on her face.

"Can I have some candy?" she asked, using her "I'm so friggin' _cute_" voice, and opening her eyes wide for the "Bambi" effect.

"Sure, honey, you can have some candy. Just not too much," Koumokuten cautioned, as Tamara made a beeline for the kitchen table. "It just showed up on our doorstep. Sweetie, if you ever see anybody put something like this there, look at them real close so you can tell Daddy what they look like, okay? I don't want them to do this again."

"Why not?" Tamara snorted as she ripped the Lindor truffle bag open. "Don't you want more candy? And more music? And more – Daddy, why does that bottle have a picture of a lady in her underwear?" she asked curiously, pointing at one of the flavored body oil containers.

"Never you mind," he hastily replied, snatching the offensive bottle and tossing it into the trash. "Tamara, don't _you _ever run around in only your underwear. And if anybody tries to take pictures when you're wearing your swimsuit, tell Daddy so Daddy can fill him full of hot lead. And scream. Scream _really_, really loud, and kick him where Daddy told you to kick and punch him. Can you tell me where those places are?"

With her mouth full of chocolate, she replied, "Uh-huh. Between his legs as hard as I can, in his nose as hard as I can, in his solar plexus as hard as I can, and then between his legs again for good measure. Then I run and scream some more, and if you're not around, I find a woman to help me because women aren't as dangerous. Except for the wolf lady in my closet," she muttered, folding her arms and glowering.

"If you see her, you do all those things too," Koumokuten said fervently. "Except you punch her low in the belly, because that hurts a lady more than kicking her in the crotch. Or you can rip her earrings out! That hurts too."

He munched some candy for a while, finally cut Tamara off, and glared at the gift basket as she left the room. Hmph. What was he supposed to do with all the non-edible stuff that wasn't good? He sure as hell didn't want to watch any of those movies. He was willing to bet there were no gunfights or car chases with explosions in any of them, and he sure liked gratuitous violence.

He stomped out to the living room, with the Barry Manilow CD in his hands, and threw it at the wall in a fit of pique. Fuck you, Barry Manilow, fuck you and your crooning, and all the starry-eyed middle-aged women who adored you too! And fuck your mansions and bank accounts, for good measure.

"Can you believe this?" he asked Varuna, who gazed up at him calmly. "What kind of dipshits spend that much money on a secret admirer prank? They've really got it out for me."

Varuna, who was less paranoid than Koumokuten, thought that his owner was making a problem where there wasn't one. Varuna thought it probably was a woman who'd sent the gift basket, since he really couldn't tell that Koumokuten was unattractive. All humans looked ugly to him, with their weird long, flat faces and their crazy protruding noses. And those hideous stripes of fur above their eyes, what the hell was up with those?

Koumokuten was continuing, "They're really being cruel here. You know, 'Hey, let's send the new boss a gift basket so he thinks it's from a chick! He's so ugly, he'll be floored with gratitude he got it.' Well guess what, I'm too smart for 'em! And those chocolates are delicious, so ha-ha, I got something out of it while they wasted their money."

Varuna had had enough of this conversation, so he moved over to the water and slipped under the surface. Ah yes, blessed silence.

.

Koumokuten had decided to research werewolves, to see if he might be able to find a way to ward his home against Aguni. It was a couple weeks after the gift basket, and so far, he wasn't getting much useful information. They could be killed by silver bullets, they were created by another werewolf biting them – in mythology. No one sane seriously believed that these things were real, and a couple mythology points didn't fit here. Such as the idea that the werewolf was human at all times besides when the moon was full, because Aguni had been a wolf-like human at that point.

So, because he was getting sick of reading things that didn't help him, he then researched actual wolves. Not much help there either, although he did learn some things. For example, that gray wolves had once been found as far down as northern Mexico, wow. But when the white people came, it only took them a couple centuries to wipe the clannish canines out except for parts of the northern U.S., and isolated ranges in the west like Yellowstone National Park, for example. Canada had more, but Canada was just made up of more wilderness anyway.

"I wish somebody would shoot _her _for her pelt, or because she picked off a sick or young cow," he grumbled, getting up to go smoke again. "I'm pretty sure she was the wolf Tamara saw, so she can take full wolf form. I wonder, if somebody shot her, if she'd stay like that or turn back into a broad."

With pleasant visions of Aguni being blown away dancing through his head, he stepped outside. No gift baskets, good! So far the lumber idiots hadn't given any sign that they'd done it, but Koumokuten was patient. He knew how pranksters worked, and if one prank didn't get the desired reaction, they pulled something even bigger. Well, he was on the alert, and if he happened to see them on his property at night, he'd shoot them dead and claim they were trying to break into his house.

He finished his cigarette, got the mail, and carried it inside. Bill, bill, bill, solicitation, solicitation, envelope addressed to him with a lipstick kiss on the back, solicitation – whoa, back up. He stared at the kiss envelope, and it had no return address. Oh ho, the pranksters had indeed struck again! He slammed the other mail down, and ripped this one open with a snarl on his face.

It was a red card, covered in hearts and glitter, gag. Oh, the fact that he'd sent Parvati even mushier cards when they'd been dating? Aw, that wasn't gag-worthy, that was being _suave_. He cautiously cracked this card open, prepared to see a gooshy poem inside, but instead, the card started _singing_.

" 'K' is for the kisses I want you to give me  
'O' is for the one I want to live with me  
'U' is for _your_ sexy ponytail  
'M' is for the fact that yes, you're male  
'O' is for the way I only ever, ever think of you, you know it's true!  
'K' is for how it kills me we're apart  
'U' is for the way _you_ own my heart  
'T' is for the trees that you cut down  
'E' is for eyebrows set in a natural frown  
And 'N' is for the way no one else will ever, ever love you like I do!"

For a moment he just stood there, gaping in surprise. That had been a _woman's _voice! And she hadn't said, " 'U' is for your ugly mug," either. Then it finally occurred to him to read what the card said. And this one proclaimed,

"Dearest Koumokuten,

"I hope you liked my song! I wrote it myself, obviously. Can't you do the neatest things with technology these days?

"Oh Koumokuten, I long for you each day and night! I send a little prayer up to Heaven each evening that you're thinking of me too. When I tell you who I am, I want you to sweep me into your manly arms and carry me off for passionate love. Well, that day is coming!

"Love and sexy kisses,

"?"

He had two thoughts here. The first was a giddy hope that this _wasn't _a prank, and this chick really _did _love him. The second was that the pranksters had gotten some woman to sing this, probably multiple times because she'd broken into laughter the first few takes. So how could he tell?

And then, he remembered Zouchouten Southkin. Zouchouten was a close friend of his from Wisconsin, and he worked for law enforcement with handwriting analysis. In this digital age he'd branched out into sentence structure and writing style and even tracking technology, but he was a brilliant handwriting analyst. All Koumokuten had to do was scan this card for the best picture, attach it to an email, and good old Zou would be able to tell what was up.

So he closed the card, marched over to his scanner, and made a copy while he was treated to another rendition of "The Koumokuten Letter Song." As the image showed up on his screen, he couldn't help but be impressed with the singer's voice. It was lower than most women's, an alto, with that sexy husky inflection that made soul singers sound so good.

He quickly resized the scan, and composed his email:

"Hey Zou. How ya been? We haven't called each other for a while, sorry. Look, I have something I'd like you to take a look at. It's off a singing card, and while the singer was a woman, I think this might be a prank so I'd like your input.

"Before I got this, I got a gift basket with five boxes of chocolate and Barry Manilow. And flavored body oil. But c'mon, you know me, nobody even sends me a Christmas card if they can help it, except of course for you. So I think it's an elaborate joke, but if it isn't, I'd sure like to know.

"Thanks bud.

"– Kou"

And with that, he attached the scan and sent it. And then, because he couldn't help it, he closed the card and opened it again, with a dorky smile on his face.

.

_What if it really is a woman sending me stuff? _he thought the next day, staring into space in his office. _What if she saw me out in the community, and noticed something about me that's her fetish or something? Like… uh. Um. Okay, she says she likes the ponytail! Except, see, lots of actually handsome guys have ponytails too._

_Face it, _his sensible side grumbled, _there's nothing about you that would attract a woman at first glance, not when there are other men around. I mean, maybe if you were standing in a room full of fat guys, but other than that, no way. It's a prank, Kou, it has to be. Zou's gonna send you an email back that says, "A belligerent lumberjack sent you that note, trying to disguise his handwriting as a woman's. He was filled with vindictive pleasure, and he thinks this is funny as hell."_

But when he got home and checked his email, he discovered that his suspicions were gloriously off the mark.

"It's clearly a woman writing what you sent me," Zouchouten had written. "And she's a confident, not-depressed, and, um… very sexual woman. She was turned on when she wrote that note, it's pretty clear. So, either she was thinking of someone else, which I find hard to believe wouldn't have made itself known to me, or she really does want to be your lover.

"Congrats, you have a stalker. Better you than me, pal.

"On a different note, have you made any other friends there? I miss you, Koumokuten. Call me sometime, and maybe we can try to figure out who that mystery lady is. I only hope she's attractive and nice, because while she isn't insane I could tell she has a few violent tendencies. Probably not directed at you, but they're there.

"– Zouchouten"

Koumokuten just stared at the screen, then he punched his fists in the air and yelled, "FUCK YEAH! I have a secret admirer! This is so cool I have to go get a beer," he decided with a grin on his face, getting up and going down to the basement for the aforementioned alcohol.

Once he'd downed it, obsessively listening to the song and rereading Zouchouten's email, he tipped his head back in his chair, threw his hands behind his head, crossed his ankles, and fantasized about Mystery Woman. She would be _so _hot, with killer boobs and legs, and she'd wear sexy clothes and say things like, "Oh Koumie, your all-black clothes make me all horny!" She'd be great with kids and Tamara would adore her, and she wouldn't be grossed out by turtles either. Why, she'd ask if she could feed Varuna some treats, and –

Whoops, that's right, Varuna was almost out of turtle treats. Koumokuten had tried to order them online, but his order had been lost and he was still dealing with sorting it out. In the meantime, should he brave Fire Pets and Pet Products again? Maybe, if he played his cards right, he could get some free stuff. And he hadn't seen hide nor hair of Aguni for weeks, so maybe she'd given up on trying to attack him.

But just to be safe, he decided he'd bring his gun in the glove compartment. If only it were winter, he could hide it under a jacket, but it was summer instead so that was out. Damn. Oh well, he'd just park really close to the door, so he could run out and get it if needed.

So, when he walked towards the store doors, his Smith and Wesson was in his car, loaded with the safety off. Was that a really, really bad idea? Yes it was, but Koumokuten didn't see it that way at all. He strolled in with a spring in his step, thinking, _Just __try__ to__ bite me and make me one of your ilk, I dare you!_

Hmm, no werewolf hiding behind the carts, waiting to jump out at him. No werewolf lurking behind the registers, which he was pleased to see were not manned by Yasha, any of them. No werewolf letting the puppies out and telling them to attack him. But, he realized as he turned down an aisle, there was a werewolf fixing a display by the ferret cage. He thought about turning around, but she'd already spotted him and was grinning and waving. Well, there was nothing for it, if he wanted to look manly: he had to keep going forward.

"Hi, Ms. Fire," he said warily, and she beamed like the sun and greeted, "Well _hello_, Koumokuten! We're having a special this week on turtle treats. Freeze-dried river shrimp make for a happy little pet!"

Hmm. It was like she'd read his mind, and if they were on sale, it made sense to stock up now. Then it hit him that she'd used his first name, and he demanded, "How'd you know my name?!"

"Last time when you were in, I saw it on your credit card," she told him airily. "You can call me Aguni, by the way. Now, what's your turtle's name, and what kind is he? I used to have a turtle myself," she chatted, leaning against the ferret cage in a way that made her boobs really, really noticeable: flat on the thing, like they were on a platter or something.

He observed that with the interest of any straight man, and decided to play along. Boobs have a way of making anyone who likes women decide to be less antagonistic, after all. So he replied, "He's a box turtle," because she might report him to the authorities if he said Varuna was a wood turtle.

"Ooh, fun! I had a painted turtle," she chatted, sending him a brilliant smile. "His name was Splashy. I was only ten, what can you expect?"

"Mine's name is Varuna. It's from the Hindu deity of the water," Koumokuten bragged, desperate to one-up her with his naming skills. "He's a big guy, for a turtle, and he really likes those river shrimp. My daughter keeps giving him more than she should, and he's gotten a little addicted, I think," he sighed, wondering how Varuna wasn't overweight yet.

"And who can blame him?" Aguni chuckled. "Animals are just like us, they like junk food because it tastes better. Do you have any pictures of Varuna?" she asked pleasantly, and he lied, "Oh no, just pictures of my daughter."

"Can I see?" she asked eagerly, and Daddy Mode took over. He took out his phone, and sarcastically replied, "Like you don't already know what she looks like, but here she is on Halloween last year. She was Cinderella. …And here she is having a tea party – yes, she's wearing a granny hat, my mom gave it to her. …Here she is with a flower, and _I _think that shot should be on a Hallmark card," he bragged, and for a cellphone pic, it _was_ very good.

Aguni smiled some more and cooed, "Aw, she's so cute. Why don't you bring her with you next time you come? I'd be more than happy to let her hold some of the animals, like a chinchilla or guinea pig. Or a ferret, if she's not grossed out by them as some people are."

"I'm not bringing her in. Look, you're a werewolf, I can't fully trust you," he said bluntly, and she shook her head and insisted, "I'm not a werewolf! How could I be? It's scientifically impossible for a human to turn into a wolf."

"Yeah, well, there's obviously some sorta freaky, supernatural hocus-pocus involved," he shot back, "because we both know you're a werewolf. You keep saying you're not, but I know very well you are! If I'd just thought to pull out my phone and record you, the world would know too! And that manbitch of a sheriff wouldn'ta been such a prick," he muttered, hoping that Taishakuten was even now being shot by a drunken gun nut.

"Sheriff Thunderson is a real pill," Aguni said sympathetically. "There was no need for him to be rude to you over a simple mistake."

He didn't have an answer for that statement that didn't involve swearing at her at the top of his lungs, so instead he pulled his phone back and stomped off without a word, heading to the turtle treats with a sullen expression on his face. But oh well, at least the river shrimp were indeed half-off. He grabbed three canisters and carried them over to the counter, but forgot to ask for another discount because he was still so mad. Oh well, next time.

.

The next weekend, Koumokuten loaded his backpack with a water bottle, a First Aid kit, two granola bars, and a flashlight; hefted it onto his shoulders while wearing a light shirt, khaki shorts, and sunscreen; walked to the door in his hiking boots; and headed out to explore the woods behind his house. Tamara was over at a friend's house again, and he'd noticed a couple deer trails so he was excited to see where they went. He was being rugged and butch!

_I am so manly, _he thought to himself twenty minutes later. _Like Grizzly Adams, I explore wild territory and do not fear nature! And I'm doing it all by myself, which makes me even cooler._

Actually, that made him a whole lot stupider, because the outdoors can be a dangerous place no matter how skilled you are. It was a basic safety precaution: "Never hike alone." Another one was, "Make lots of noise," but you saw more wildlife if you were quiet, he thought loftily.

But unbeknownst to him, he _wasn't _hiking alone. Orange eyes tracked his every movement, and padded paws moved silent as a cat over the woodland floor. Yes, he was easy to follow; his scent was sharp and pointed ears could hear each breath he took, even without the visual. Ooh, and she had a great view of his ass! Whee, he had a nice ass, and apparently no suspicion whatsoever that he was anything but alone. Hey, maybe he'd strip naked to swim in the creek! Then she could saunter out from the bushes and join him, yay.

Koumokuten was completely unaware of his tail's thoughts, and was just about to start whistling a tune ("Paranoid" by Black Sabbath) when he rounded a corner, and saw a beautiful scene with small rapids, salmon jumping up them, sunlight, sparkling water… and a large brown predator standing in the stream, trying to catch the salmon. A bear. A giant grizzly bear!

He froze, staring at the mammoth _Ursus arctos horribilis_. What did you do when you saw a bear? Quick, remember Cub Scouts!

_Okay. Scoutmaster Scott said to… to make yourself big! And then… yell? Yeah, probably, to scare Rambo Teddy away. And don't make eye contact! That's a sign of aggression to them, and back away slowly, don't climb a tree because they can climb too._

"I AM BIG!" he bellowed, waving his arms and standing as tall as he could. "I'M A BIG HUMAN, DON'T MESS WITH ME! GO BACK TO EATING HUNNY AND PLAYING WITH PIGLET, YOU OVERGROWN RUG!"

And it didn't work. Instead, it made the grizzly _mad_, and it reared to its hind legs with a roar, which showed serious teeth.

Koumokuten squeaked like a scared bunny rabbit, and backed away as quickly as he could. But no use, because now it was coming _towards _him, its giant paws with bigass claws swiping at the air in preparation to eviscerate this glorified monkey that had dared to disturb its fishing.

"MOMMY!" tore itself from Koumokuten's throat, and he couldn't help it: he turned and sprinted away in a panic, as the bear bounded towards him on all fours now, still snarling. And it was faster, he could tell, and please God no, he couldn't _die! _Who'd take care of Tamara? Who'd decide which forests to level? Who'd disappoint that secret admirer when she revealed herself and he wasn't there to meet her?

And then, just as he tripped on a root and his life flashed before his eyes, there was another snarl and something big, but smaller than the bear, bounded over his head and launched itself at the predator. He shook his head to clear it, stunned that he was alive, and turned to see a startling sight. A huge, golden wolf was chewing on the bear's snout, and as he watched, a giant paw came up and swatted it away like it was a fly.

Well, that was it then. He was dead. He resigned his soul to Jesus, and waited to be torn apart when the bear got him.

But no. The wolf turned in midair and landed on all fours like a cat, galloped over to right in front of him, and growled, its hackles standing up and blood dripping from its jaws. The bear, bleeding and obviously pissed, reared back to his hind legs and roared, but made no move to attack.

_It's the nature version of "Chicken," _Koumokuten realized, petrified into stillness. _They each know the other one is dangerous, and they're seeing who backs down first. Please patron saint of hikers, let the wolf win, because though it might eat me too, it seems to like me._

And Saint Christopher, who was the patron saint of travelers but close enough, came through for him on this. Well, technically, the bear decided it wasn't worth it and there was no mythical supernatural intervention involved, but same effect. He went down on all fours and lumbered off, and would die in a few weeks from infected snout wounds. Such was nature.

Koumokuten let out a whoosh of breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding, and collapsed back onto the ground. He was alive! Tamara wouldn't have to go into a foster home, the forests weren't safe, and his secret admirer could continue with the revealing when the time was right.

He heard a rather pleased snort from behind him, and hastily scrabbled into a sitting position to stare at the wolf, which was licking its chops. Okay, ew, it was licking up blood, but it wasn't attacking him. What the heck was going on here? Why would a wolf –?

A _wolf. _A wolf with unusual coloring that was wolf-grinning at him now, and had orange eyes. Which meant…

"Ms… Fire?" he asked warily. "Is that you?"

She nodded, then made a pleased little whining noise. Ha, he'd been correct! Everybody else had been wrong, neener-neener! But she was wagging her tail now, and as he stared at her, she emitted a short bark. It wasn't exactly like a dog's bark, it was lower-pitched for one thing, but it didn't seem to carry any malice.

"Thanks," he told her, a bit confused. "But, I mean, why? And why'd you confirm what you are? I mean, all the other times you denied it and made me look like a loony."

She huffed a bit, then stepped over and licked his face. Great, now he had slobber and traces of bear blood on his cheek. At the same time…

"Oh, I see," he smiled, gingerly patting her head. "You think I'm a decent guy, huh? You're probably the only one," he sighed, remembering Yasha the grouchy pet store associate. And that snotty Bishamonten. And Taishakuten the nasty sheriff. But clearly, Aguni had decided not to eat him, so maybe she'd just come to like him and would never trespass again.

He asked her, "You're not gonna try to break into my house again, are you?"

She shook her head hard, and he scratched behind her eyes with a pleased, "Good werewolf! _Gooood_ werewolf, nice girl. So, listen, I've had enough hiking for one day. You wanna walk back with me? If there's one bear around, there could be others, and you were _awesome_, saving me like that. In fact –" he rummaged in his backpack, "– you can have one of my granola bars in thanks."

She yipped at that, and watched with avid eyes as he unwrapped the almond butter granola bar. He held it out and she scarfed it down, even going so far as to lick his fingers when she was done. Geez, she was tongue-happy, and he filed that information away to use at a later date. You know, when he was either in the shower or in bed, because men are always looking for an excuse to fantasize about hot women.

With a pleasant, "Okay, let's get going then," he stood up and began to walk back they way he'd come, except this time, he was chattering to Aguni the entire way. He'd decided to obey the "Make lots of noise" rule, so he talked to her in a stream of consciousness monologue, starting with how nature was evil and eventually winding up at, "Parvati hated baloney. What the hell's up with that? She wouldn't even let me buy it for myself because she didn't want it in the house."

All this time Aguni had been trotting along next to him, or behind him if the path was too narrow, occasionally panting and whining but for the most part wolf-grinning and wagging her tail. Now, as he stepped into the backyard, he asked her, "You wanna come in? Have some water or something?"

She shook her head in what looked like disappointment, and he felt a little disappointed too. But he sighed, "Oh, okay. You probably gotta get back home, huh? Well… see you around, then, and thanks."

She yipped, then turned around and trotted off back into the woods, melting into the shadows. He stood looking after her for a while, then finally went inside, as his mind churned with all sorts of new thoughts. Was it possible that she hadn't been intending to hurt him or Tamara when she'd broken in? Had it been a prank of some sort? Or had she thought Bishamonten still lived here, and had been hiding in that closet in hopes of jumping out and pinning him to the floor, where she would have her way with him?

Koumokuten, being a man who would never turn down sex from anyone provided they were female, dismissed the idea that Bishamonten would fight her and be scarred for life if she succeeded in such a thing. Sure he'd said it was a "harrowing occasion" when Aguni had attempted to remove his pants, but Koumokuten was convinced that deep down, the prior owner fervently wanted to be screwed. And that made such actions okay, surely!

Koumokuten then thought that Aguni deserved some sort of token of gratitude, for saving him from being turned into hamburger by the bear. He thought long and hard about what that token should be, got an idea, went into town to find a shop he'd noticed before, and indeed found something he thought she'd like. It was rather pricy, but hell, his life was priceless. He brought the gift home, wrapped it expertly, and made sure it was hidden from Tamara, who had a bad habit of snooping in his room looking for presents. And then, the next day, he drove to the pet store to give Aguni her gift.

Yasha was there this time, and gave Koumokuten a suspicious look that just set his teeth on edge. He gave him a glare in return, then hunted Aguni down. He went from one end of the store to the other with no success, and just when he was considering asking Yasha to page her, he found her giving a sitting dog a treat. The giant Rottweiler was gazing at her worshipfully, as his owner said in awe, "He's never been that good before."

"Well, you just need to show him who's boss," Aguni said easily, then caught sight of Koumokuten and grinned. She turned back to the Rottie and praised, "Good boy, Killer! You be good for Daddy from now on, okay?"

"WOOF!"

As Killer and his daddy continued on, Aguni greeted, "Why Koumokuten! What a pleasant surprise. Is there anything I can help you find?"

"No, not today. Listen… thanks again for that bear thing," he said as casually as he could. "That was really studly of you, I mean it."

"Yes, sometimes I use my special gifts for the good of people I like," she replied with a wink, and they exchanged a glance that said, "We both know about the werewolf angle, but all these bystanders don't. Cool, it's our secret."

"Well, it was awesome. And I got you something in thanks," he informed her, handing her the box. "I wasn't sure what you'd like, but I hope this'll be okay for you. I thought it was cool, and the gift receipt's included, so if you don't like it you can take it back and get something else."

Aguni ripped the paper off like Tamara on Christmas, opened the box, and gasped in what seemed like pleased surprise. There in the box was a silver belt buckle, Native American-made, Coast Salish to be precise. It featured a wolf in the Northwest Coast style, and Koumokuten himself would've worn it in a heartbeat. Aguni looked back up at him, and said eagerly, "That was so sweet of you."

"Uh, thanks. It's just, y'know, a thank-you," he said a bit awkwardly, suddenly realizing what this might look like. Did she think he was hitting on her? Well, maybe that wasn't such a bad –

"I'm going to wear it right now!" she proclaimed, and as he watched in astonishment, she unbuckled her belt right in front of him and slid the buckle on, then did it up again. She grinned proudly, and asked, "How does it look?"

"Looks awesome," he said honestly. "So, Aguni, I –"

"Manager to Aquatics please for a Fifty," Yasha's clipped, annoyed voice came over the intercom, and she frowned and growled, "A Fifty means a suspected shoplifter. Please excuse me."

"Sure, I'll see you around," Koumokuten replied, and she went one way while he went the other. Oh well, she probably didn't think he was hitting on her anyway. And why would somebody that hot want to romantically associate with somebody like him? The odds of that were pretty low. Oh well, at least they could be friends now.

.

Two days later, as he and Tamara came home, Koumokuten was wondering when his secret admirer would strike again. Wow, this town was much more exciting than Redlake, Wisconsin! A werewolf who'd taken a liking to him, and a woman who had fallen for him and was being all mysterious. Was it something in the water, where the females developed the capability to see under the appearance to the badass personality underneath? Whatever it was, despite the continued friction at the lumber company, Koumokuten liked Lupine much better than Redlake.

He strolled to the front steps as Tamara watched a movie, and YES! There was a flat box on his doorstep! He seized it greedily, and saw no address or return address, so it had clearly been delivered by the sender. He carried it inside to lay on the kitchen table, opened it impatiently, and sucked in a surprised breath at what he saw inside.

Whoa, underwear!

He held up a lacy black thong with a shocked expression on his face. She'd sent him _lingerie! _Whoever this woman was, and he was so glad she was indeed a woman, she was clearly a wild one. He couldn't help but think, _Is it used? Did she __wear__ it? That would be fucking kinky. _

He then noticed another card and snatched it up, the thong dangling from his left hand. And this card said,

"Dearest Koumokuten,

"No, it's not worn. It's brand new, but it _is _my size! When I come over to reveal myself, we can make good use of it. Until then, well, it's up to you what you do with this thong. Completely and totally up to you, my dear lusty logger.

"So when will I show up? This Saturday night. Send the kid to a friend's house for a sleepover, that might be a wise idea.

"Love and French kisses,

"?"

_Wow. _Okay, the "lusty logger" bit was stupid, but dude… this wasn't plus-size underwear, so some hot babe would be showing up at his door in four days to engage in –

_Hold up now, _his frontal cortex sighed. _She could be incredibly unattractive, just not fat. Or she could be hot, but a bitch or a nutjob who wants me to pretend I'm Elvis in bed. Just because she loves me and wears size-six thongs, doesn't mean she's automatically someone I'll love too. I mean, let's be honest, somebody who's obsessed with __me__ might not be all there._

"If only you could talk," he told the thong, idly stretching it back and forth between his hands. "You could tell me who bought you, and what she's like, and what she has planned for me. I mean, what is she –?"

"Daddy, what's _that? _Is it somebody's _panties?_" Tamara asked in a horrified voice, and he whipped his head in that direction with his face going red. Thinking fast, he told her, "No Tamara, these aren't somebody's panties at all. It's a – a new form of… Daddy… relaxation," he floundered, praying she wouldn't push it.

"How does it work?" she asked innocently. "Can I play with it too?"

"It works like this: you stretch it, see, over and over, and it works like squeezing a stress ball. No, you can't use it too, because this is Daddy's personal stress band," he told her fervently. She pouted, but nodded sullenly as he thought, _Wow Kou, that was __really__ dumb. Shoulda just hidden it in your pocket and distracted her with a DVD._

But she'd already lost interest, ambling over to the couch and asking, "Daddy, can we watch 'My Little Pony: Friendship Is Profitable' again? I love the episode where they all sign licensing deals! Someday, _I _want to sign a licensing deal, as the best singer in the country! Better even than Carly Rae Jepsen! Call me maybe!" she belted.

Koumokuten, who was sick to death of that song, forced a smile and replied, "Honey, I think you're better than Carly Rae already."

"Why thank you, Daddy."

.

Koumokuten was having a pleasant dream that night, in which his subconscious was putting it all together because his conscious mind was missing such obvious clues. In this dream, baskets and baskets of chocolates and other romantic things were pouring in through his doors, windows, and chimney, as "The Koumokuten Letter Song" played on a continuous loop. A wolf was howling, the moon was full, and the room was festooned with lacy black thongs.

Suddenly, the curtains billowed dramatically in the wind and Wolf Aguni bounded inside, then transformed into Woman Aguni as she landed. She was clad in her work clothes and the silver belt buckle, and laughed, "I want you to be my alpha mate! Come with me, Koumokuten, and I'll bite you so you can be a werewolf _too!_"

"I dunno if I wanna do that, Aguni," he told her honestly, around a mouthful of Godiva chocolate. "I like being human. But why don't we watch 'Lovers in Soviet Yugoslavia'? We can cuddle on the couch and everything. Then later I can shoot a rabbit and you can eat it raw."

"Okay, I suppose so," she giggled, and while they did pop the movie in, mostly what they did was feed each other scrumptious candies and murmur stupid, sappy things, cuddling under a blanket even though it was summer. And then, she kissed him, which he was of course more than happy to return. Soon it was a smooch-fest reminiscent of the weekend when he and Parvati had gone up to her parents' cabin together, and ended up doing things her dad would have shot him for.

And then, just when he was reaching for Aguni's boob, she lunged forwards and nipped his neck, hard enough to draw blood. In the manner of dreams, it seemed perfectly natural that he transformed into a black wolf, mirroring her own transformation. And, again with dream logic, he was able to say in his human voice, "Oh, so this is what being a werewolf is like. Damn."

"Let's go terrorize the populace!" she said brightly, and he enthusiastically sang, "Okay!"

Leaving "Lovers in Soviet Yugoslavia" playing on, forgotten, they jumped back out through the window, into a landscape of undulating sunflowers and ultraviolet daisies. The smells! They were so powerful he couldn't believe it, and when they ran, it was like they were on motorcycles, they were going so fast. Into the forest they went, bounding over bears' backs like kids jumping on stones across a creek, until all of a sudden they were in Taishakuten's backyard. Koumokuten knew this instinctively, he didn't even need the sight of frowny-face garden ornaments.

"Let's get into his trash!" he suggested, all excited to make the sheriff pick up garbage. "Let's strew it all over his driveway. Then let's eat his garden ornaments."

And so they did get into his trash. Aguni knocked the garbage can over, then they eagerly dug through it, having all sorts of fun. Ha ha, Taishakuten would have to clean up all that rancid vegetable oil that was leaking onto his driveway! Ha ha, he would have to pick up that maggot-infested fried chicken carcass in his rose garden! Ha ha, he would have to scrub his sidewalk to get rid of the avocado ground into it! And ha ha, his wife, son, and neighbors would see each individual page of "Girls, Giggles, and Garters" strewn absolutely everywhere!

Then a light came on in the house, alongside the sound of a shotgun being ratcheted up, making Aguni hiss, "Run for it!" They did, fast as lighting back into the woods, and behind them they heard Taishakuten screaming, "AAAAAAUGH! Look at this mess! Shashi, just _look _at it! _Curse you, Koumokuten Weeeste!_"

"That was awesome!" Koumokuten yelled, crashing into Aguni and bowling her over. "Fuck _yeah_, we made him pay!"

"Mmm, yes we did, Koumokuten," she purred, as they rolled around like playful puppies. "Aren't you so glad I'm your secret admirer?"

"Of course I am, babe, of course I am," he purred back, nuzzling her with his tail thumping against the ground. "When I wake up, I'm gonna march on into your pet store, sweep you off your feet, kiss you in front of everyone, and bring you home for some hot sex. And a nice dinner we'll feed to each other."

But alas, when he woke up, he only remembered that he'd been eating chocolate. So he got up and ate some for breakfast, unaware of what his subconscious had figured out.

.

Finally, finally, _finally _it was Saturday evening. Good thing too, because Koumokuten was so wound up he'd nearly driven his car into a creek. Every day had seemed agonizingly long, and every night had been taken up by secret admirer fantasies, involving the thong. Tamara had asked him numerous times what was wrong with him, like when he'd put an empty glass in the refrigerator and the milk carton in the dishwasher. He'd always managed to distract her, but he knew she was worried. Well, once she came home from that sleepover tomorrow, hopefully he could tell her that he had an awesome new girlfriend.

He was pacing back and forth in his living room, with the shades up so he could see the driveway, and was checking his watch obsessively, even though the secret admirer hadn't said she'd be here at a specific time. He was wearing cologne and clothes that flattered his muscular build, and had made sure he had protection upstairs, in case he got lucky and she agreed to screw him. He was also wearing his favorite gold hoop earrings, not just gold-colored this time either, and he looked as good as someone like him was capable of looking.

"I hope she comes soon," he told Varuna, who was watching him for entertainment. "I'm gonna wear a hole in the carpet before long."

_Silly human, _Varuna thought smugly. _Pacing around isn't going to make her come faster. But I have an idea: why don't you feed me some treats while you're waiting? Women love a man who's good with animals._

Then, just as Koumokuten was wondering if he should put on one of the CDs she'd sent him, a car appeared on his driveway, a red sporty one. He watched eagerly as it pulled to a stop, but he couldn't see the driver very well from this angle. Then the door opened and she strolled over to the front walk, and his jaw practically hit the floor.

AGUNI?! _Aguni _was his secret admirer who'd sent him a thong?!

Maybe not. Maybe this was completely a coincidence, he thought as she locked her car with a little smile on her face. After all, she'd kind of hidden in Tamara's closet for reasons he still didn't know, and if she were his secret admirer, wouldn't she be wearing a sexier outfit than capris and a "Flame ON!" tee? He saw no sexy heels, just sneakers, so he sighed and let the curtain fall back down, deciding that this was probably just her coming over to try to have a chat, with incredibly bad timing. Too bad, because she _was _hot and he actually really liked her now, seeing as she'd saved his life and all.

He sighed and wandered over to the door. The doorbell rang and he unlocked the door, suddenly paranoid that his secret admirer would come and see Aguni, and leave in a huff because she thought they were an item. God, that would suck. He swung the door open, and she sang, "HELLO!"

"Hey there. Listen, Aguni," he said pleasantly, "I'm real sorry, but I'm expecting company. Why don't we go out to lunch tomorrow, or something?"

"You wouldn't be expecting, oh I don't know, a secret admirer, perhaps?" she grinned, looking extremely proud of herself. "Someone who sent you a gift basket, a singing card, and a thong?"

He just stared at her with his jaw dropped, unable to say anything for his happiness. Yaaay, she _was _his secret admirer! This was great, because ever since she'd leaned onto that ferret cage, she'd taken up a hefty chunk of those little "private time" fantasies, even when he didn't trust her. So awesome, he'd just landed himself a hottie girlfriend without trying! That had never happened to him before, for obvious reasons.

"It was you all along?" he asked, grinning without realizing he was doing so. "Damn."

"Damn, indeed," she grinned back, then swooped in for a kiss. It was a good kiss, and to somebody who hadn't had a woman kiss him for six years, it was even better. He was a little out of practice, but soon his technique came back to him. Apparently kissing was like riding a bike, you never really forgot how.

Finally they broke it, and just stared into each other's eyes for a minute. She really did have beautiful eyes, orange with flecks of brown and even gold, kind of like sparks from a fire. Add the long lashes to that, and she just might have had the prettiest eyes he'd ever seen, especially since they had a warm look in them, upturned at the corners with her smile and dancing with pleased mischief. Good God, so this was what it felt like, wanting to gaze into somebody's eyes for hours on end. He'd always thought that was exceedingly stupid before, but he knew better now, oh yes he did.

Finally he snapped out of, and stepped back as he offered, "C'mon inside, no sense you standing on the steps anymore."

Once he'd led her in and to the couch, he sat down facing her, as she snickered, "You should have seen the look on your face. And here I thought you'd figured it out with that belt buckle! Which I'm wearing, I always wear it," she informed him proudly, pointing to the thing.

"Well, see, I guess I had no reason to suspect you liked me like that," he replied, reaching a hand out to touch her knee. "So why, exactly, _do_ you like me? I mean, I'm glad you do, I really like you too, but this all seems so sudden," he floundered, but he was pleased to see that she placed her hand over his and squeezed.

"We werewolves have a gift," she told him seriously, "that none of the legends mention. And that gift is the ability to find our perfect mate by scent alone. And guess what?"

"_I'm _your perfect mate?" he asked in a flabbergasted tone. He was somebody's ideal partner! Not somebody she was settling for, or a cheap substitute for somebody else, or a guy she had to sleep with for money.

"Bingo!" she said happily, hugging him so hard his ribs hurt. "See, we all have our own perfect scent, and the one that draws _me _in is a mixture of cedar trees, cigarette smoke, your own personal scent, and Mr. Manly's Shampoo. It's that exact combination that drew me to your house that night."

"Can I ask why you hid in my kid's closet, then?" he managed.

"Oh, _that_." She looked a bit embarrassed as she admitted, "That was, um, for pure mean fun, I'm sorry to say. And I wasn't _sure_, because I hadn't seen you face-to-face, and I just thought, 'Well, if I'm wrong, at least I can make the little girl scream.' I hadn't actually thought out the fact that you'd scream too and run away."

He thought back over that night, and nope, she hadn't attacked Tamara at all, just stood in the closet and grinned at her and then him. And she'd looked quite disappointed when he'd leveled that pitchfork at her. It was still a dumb thing to do if you were trying to pick up a man, but oh well, at least he knew he'd actually been safe all along. So all that paranoia, obsessive checking if the windows were locked, buying a gun, and telling Tamara to punch Aguni in the womb had been unnecessary.

"Okay, so I gotta admit you don't fit the legends very well," he pointed out. "I mean, I thought you guys were wolves when the moon was full, not during the daytime. And you were mostly human when we first met. So, can you turn somebody into a werewolf by biting 'em, or is that just a myth?"

"It's a myth. You can only be a werewolf through genetics. We can take wolf or human form at will… unless the moon is full. Then, we're human with wolf features, as you saw," she smiled, and he nodded and asked, "So were werewolves the result of a curse, or something?"

"No, we were actually the result of a blessing," she said matter-of-factly, which made him blink in surprise. "The Gauls' Wolf God blessed a certain number of his priests and priestesses with the ability to change their forms, and all of their children as well, whether or not the other parent was a werewolf. We were revered as sacred. But when the Romans came, they viewed us as demons. So we learned to keep our powers under wraps as much as we could. But as you can imagine, when the moon was full it was more difficult."

"So… lemme guess, when Christianity came on the scene, you were seen as satanic, right?"

"Indeed. We were nearly hunted to extinction in the Middle Ages and Renaissance," she told him, sounding sad. "You've heard of the loup garou burnings, I'm sure. Half the time the victim was a regular guy, but it still decimated our numbers. In fact, there were only nine nuclear families who survived by the time it was done.

"Which is why all but three left France. Now there are werewolves in Africa, Asia, Australia, South America… from the Arctic Circle to the tip of Argentina," she said proudly. "Werewolves of London? There were a few back in the day, but now we avoid cities."

"So do you have a pack?" he asked a bit faintly. This was an awful lot of new information, and a lot of it contradicted the legends.

She answered, "Oh no, most of us these days are solitary. It's easier to hide it with one person or two people, occasionally a family if you're really isolated. But with cameras on phones and this age of overpopulation, there's ample chances to be found out. And we hate the 'National Enquirer,' " she growled, making a fist. "Nosy muckrakers."

"Does this mean Batboy's real too?" he queried seriously. "And Bigfoot? And little green men?"

"No, no, and not to my knowledge, in that order," she told him matter-of-factly. "You have to remember that sometimes a myth is just a story that started with one true unusual thing, like a large hairy hermit with big feet, and it gets built upon and embellished by crazy attention-seekers. For example, the legend of sea serpents. There's this fish called an oarfish, which looks like an eel and can grow twelve feet or over in length, and voilà, suddenly the oceans are filled with fire-breathing, man-eating sea serpents that capsize boats and fight whales."

It made sense, and he said as much. So, just like all myths (and by extension religions), you started out with a piece of truth, and people's imaginations ran wild and made up all these fantastic stories. Then something occurred to him about the stories he'd heard here, and he said, "Yasha said you moved here, what, three years ago, and people were seeing a wolf years before that."

"The supposed 'big dog' people saw years before I was around was my brother," Aguni explained airily. "I moved to this town because he said it had a need for my business, and a year later he ended up moving to California because he was sick of all the rain here. So there were two werewolves for a while, but people thought there was only one. He's bigger than me, but I guess if you just see us briefly and not together, you wouldn't notice that."

"Oh. Okay," he said happily, pleased that it all hung together. "So what other powers do you guys have?"

"Well, besides the mate scent ability, we smell things as wolves do, which means our noses are a hundred times as sensitive as a human's. We also have very good night vision, and we're incredibly loyal, like wolves are. You'll never have to worry about me cheating on you," she grinned proudly, and he grinned back as he thought, _Jackpot._

"And… once a year, we go into heat if we're female," she said, like this was totally normal. "We of course have the regular human menstrual cycle, but for one ovulation, we just go crazy and become completely insatiable. It's an evolutionary trick, you see, to up the chances of passing on the genes, and my mother says I was the result of such a thing. My father says the same, since they ended up getting married."

"So I suppose you, uh, got wild with that Yasha guy, 'cause I saw you hug him," Koumokuten said as casually as he could, vowing to beat Yasha's head in for something that had happened before he came along.

"No, and I think he might actually be gay," Aguni sighed, sounding a bit disgusted. "I mean, I cornered him in the stockroom and groped him, and he yelled about sexual harassment. If a man can't appreciate me," she said haughtily, "he can't appreciate any women."

"Okay," Koumokuten agreed, completely convinced of the validity of her words. "But back to the whole insatiability thing. I really, _really _wanna hear more about that."

"Not much else to tell," she shrugged carelessly. "But all that casual sex wears thin after a while, so that's why I was so pleased when you showed up. And now, enough talk. Take your clothes off and let's get it on."

She didn't give him a chance to reply, just kissed him with mad crazy passion, even throwing a leg around him in addition to her arms. So of course he had to kiss her back with equal enthusiasm, right? Right, of course he did. It was a tongue-tangling, breath-panting, heart-thudding embrace, and when he finally broke it with great reluctance, he told her in a desire-roughened voice, "Let's go upstairs, then, my beautiful werewolf babe."

Across the living room, and she was holding his hand. Up the stairs, and she was grabbing the back of his belt. Down the hall, and she was all over him. Into his bedroom, and she was taking her shirt off. Onto the bed, and she was taking _his _shirt off.

And so there was much stripping, and kissing, and groping, and heavy breathing. He was _so _glad Tamara wasn't around for this most momentous of nights, because hell, what was your first time together with somebody if you couldn't be as loud as you wanted? He would tone it down for later occasions, but right now, he could yell things Tamara's ears might burst into flames at. And such sentences seemed to really turn Aguni on, whee! Score, because Parvati had often told him to "Stop saying such filthy things, you pervert."

An owl perched on the tree outside shook her head in disgust. Noise, noise, noise, scaring off all the prey! One of those humans was practically howling, and the other was verbalizing sentiments the owl somehow had the sense were extremely explicit. She was _so _glad she didn't understand Human. With a grumble and a glare, she flew off to find a quieter hunting ground.

About forty minutes after that found Koumokuten lying back and smoking in the stereotypical "I just had sex" vein, with his other arm around a very contented Aguni. The sheets were waist-level, unlike how they usually were in movies, where somehow the woman had them at armpit level while they were only up to the man's waist, even in some R-rated films. They were both satiated like nobody's business, especially Koumokuten because it had been way too fucking long since he'd last had sex.

"Koumokuten," Aguni finally sighed, patting his ribcage, "I don't want to ever go home again."

"Well, you'll have to eventually," he reminded her, "because you'll need clean underwear, and you gotta wear your boss clothes to work, and –"

"It was an expression of thanks and affection, you silly man," she sniffed. "I know very well that I'll have to leave! But I'll be back, and once your daughter accepts it I'll move in like we discussed. You don't have to marry me, but I get to live with you."

"Hell, if you want, we can get hitched," he decided generously. "We can have a production, and Tamara can be the flower girl, she'll love that. I think, if we explain everything and make it super clear she can never mention the werewolf part to _anyone_, she'll come around. If you buy her a new, expensive toy, it'll go smoother," he suggested helpfully.

"Like the GI Joe All-Terrain Assault Vehicle with Clip-on Guided Missiles and Terrorist Blood Decals?" Aguni asked excitedly, but at his shake of the head her face fell and she muttered, "Oh, you mean more like the Barbie Fairy Ballerina Princess Diva with Battery-Operated Singing Chipmunks and Bluebirds. Ah. That's right, she seems to be a very girly little girl. Well, okay, I'll get her the most expensive Barbie or My Little Pony toy I can find, so she'll accept me," she proclaimed, looking quite determined.

"Fantastic."

Contented silence for a while, then he stubbed his cigarette out and apologized, "I bet that smoke smelled worse to you than to me, huh? Now that all this is resolved, I'll quit for good. I promise, I did it once so I can do it again. And you can distract me from my nicotine cravings with sex," he suggested, and she nodded fervently, over and over and over.

"I have seen the wolf," he proclaimed with exaggerated seriousness, making her laugh as he went on, "And I want to keep seeing her every night. Every! No exceptions, except maybe when Tamara has a sleepover with nosy friends."

"Ooh, yes," she agreed eagerly, running her hand down below the sheet on his torso (what a naughty little werewolf). "And when she does, we can just be really quiet. And if some moans leak out, we can just tell the girls we were having bad dreams. Or something."

.

The next day, after a most enjoyable morning with Aguni, Koumokuten picked Tamara up from her friend's house, all smiles and thinking that the world was a magical place. He was thankful that the hickeys, bite marks, and scratches were hidden by his shirt, because he would've had a really hard time coming up with a good story to tell her. Obviously, "Well Princess, Daddy had mad animal sex with his new werewolf fiancée, that's why he looks like somebody attacked him," wouldn't work.

He was in a wonderful mood the rest of the day, whistling romantic songs and texting Aguni whenever he could. They'd agreed that she would come over this evening after dinner, where they could break the news to Tamara. And if all went well, she'd stay overnight too, booyah. The universe had been kind to Koumokuten, and blessed him profusely even though he honestly didn't deserve it.

"Tamara," he told her as they cleared the table after dinner, "tonight, Daddy's having somebody important over. I want you to be on your best behavior, okay?"

"Okay," she replied, a bit suspiciously. "Who is it?"

"Well, honey, she's –"

That was when the doorbell rang, and he rushed towards it, saying over his shoulder, "Princess, finish loading the dishwasher, won't you? That would be _really _helpful."

As she assented, he unlocked the door, pleased to see Aguni on his front steps bearing a large box. Oh good, bigger was better when it came to toys. He smiled at her, gave her a kiss, and tugged her inside with a whispered, "She's doing a chore right now, but I'll get her out from the kitchen. Just wait in the living room, all right?"

"Sure, darling," she agreed pleasantly, and set the bigass, gift-wrapped box down as he went back in the kitchen, telling Tamara, "Okay sweetie, we can leave the rest of the dishes for later. Right now, Daddy has somebody he wants you to meet."

Tamara followed him out of the kitchen and into the living room with a curious expression on her face, then gasped as she stared at Aguni. The werewolf was wearing a short orange dress and stiletto heels, lots of gold jewelry, and had also brought an overnight bag, which Koumokuten fervently hoped contained a sexy negligee or something. She smiled brightly at Tamara, trying to look as non-threatening as possible, but unfortunately that didn't work too well, given her height, angular face, severe eyebrows, unusual hair, and buff build.

"Daddy," Tamara said seriously, pointing at her, "she's the she-wolf from the closet, Daddy!"

"That's right, Tamara, she's the – don't scream!" Koumokuten pleaded frantically, as Tamara took a deep breath and threw her head back. She tipped it back down and looked at him oddly as he went on, "Aguni only did that to see if I was her perfect mate, honey. Yes, she _is _a werewolf, but she isn't going to hurt us, ever. And sweetie, you can _never _tell anybody that, okay?"

"Why?"

"Because ninjas will drop from the sky and take all three of us off to a detention camp," Aguni said seriously, so seriously Tamara swallowed it hook, line, and sinker. With huge eyes, she solemnly replied, "Okay. But why are you here?"

"I'm here for two reasons," Aguni smiled, as ingratiatingly as she could. "The first one is that I brought something for you, Tamara. See that big box over there? That's for you," she said as she pointed, and Tamara rushed over like she was the Energizer Bunny. A present, whee!

She struggled with the tape at first, until Koumokuten gallantly went and brought her some scissors. Then she attacked the package with her weapon, by luck managing to reveal the logo and title of the toy first. Her face now bore a look of joy, and the adults hoped that this meant she'd be cool with her benefactor.

"OOOH!" she squealed shrilly, ripping the paper off in a frenzy. "A Barbie Veterinarian Princess Vet Office Kit Complete with Six Assorted Animals! It even has a chinchilla! None of my friends have this," she said smugly, starting to open the box with eager little hands.

"I'm glad you like it," Aguni chuckled, and Koumokuten prompted, "What do you say after that, Tamara?"

"Thanks, Aggie! You're awesome!" Tamara chirped, having decided that the werewolf was her new best friend. Aguni blinked in surprise at the nickname, but hey, it was a sign of acceptance so she'd take it. Maybe this wouldn't be so hard after all, and heck, perhaps Tamara would actually be happy about it, gaining a stepmother who bought her expensive stuff and would make sure to be nice to her.

"Tamara, Daddy and Aguni have something really, really important to tell you," Koumokuten said seriously, and she reluctantly looked away from the toy kit and waited expectantly. He reached out and pulled Aguni close to his side, and with a big smile on his face, he informed his offspring, "Aguni and I are in love, and in fact, we're going to get married. Isn't that great? You'll have an actual mother figure!"

Tamara, who had always been jealous of other kids with moms who spoiled them, thought that was a great idea. Whee, more stuff and fun activities! Plus her dad looked exceedingly happy, and Tamara wanted Koumokuten to be happy, fervently and in fact with every fiber of her being. So she clapped her hands and yelled, "YAY! Congratulations, Daddy!" as she hurled herself at him for a hug.

"Thanks, honey," he beamed, hugging her back. "Why don't you give Aguni a hug too?"

"Okay!" was Tamara's cheery response, and Aguni grinned to beat the band as she embraced her future stepdaughter. From there, Tamara generously allowed Aguni and Koumokuten to help her play with the Barbie Vet Office kit, and while Aguni kept wanting to do surgery while Tamara wanted Barbie to fall in love with the Ken doll she'd brought down, all was well. It was a good bonding experience, Koumokuten thought proudly, as he made the chinchilla jump around so Ken could be manly and catch it for Barbie. Varuna watched placidly, secretly pleased that there would soon be someone else in the house who'd feed him.

Finally, when it was Tamara's bedtime, both adults tucked her in, and she asked seriously, "Daddy, is Aggie going to sleep with you tonight?"

Koumokuten's brain short-circuited at that question, leaving him unable to do anything but drone, "Uhhh…" with his eyes bugged out and his mouth hanging open. Aguni, on the other hand, smiled gaily and replied, "Why yes I am, Tamara. Since we're engaged, it's okay for us to sleep in the same bed."

"Okay," Tamara matter-of-factly agreed. "One of my friend's mommies has lots of boyfriends, and they all sleep in the same bed with her, on different nights though. Night-night, Aggie, and night-night, Daddy."

Pleasantly surprised that she wasn't asking him to do the checklist, he gave her a kiss on the cheek and crooned, "Goodnight, Princess. Sleep tight."

As he walked out of the room with Aguni behind him, he had to wonder if this were a one-time thing, and she'd forgotten the checklist because of the novel events, or if she were – please God – growing up a bit. He certainly hoped it was the latter. But whatever it was, Aguni shut the door behind her, and they smirked at each other in anticipation. He led her back to his room, firmly reminding himself that silence was of the essence this time, because he did _not _want Tamara to be scarred for life.

"Well, my little she-wolf, I think that went very well," he grinned, locking the door bedroom door after they'd passed through. "She seems to like you, even. And that toy kit'll occupy her for weeks, probably."

"Oh Koumokuten," Aguni said happily as he took her in his arms, "we're a happy little pack."

**End**

.

.

(AN: Get the song and the line? "There's a she-wolf in the closet" is from Shakira's really fun song "She-Wolf." Also, I have to confess that I… actually really like Carly Rae Jepsen's "Call Me Maybe," even though some of the lyrics are dumb. I'm hanging my head in shame, but oh well.

Now, let's have a little chat about reviews. Is there any author who _doesn't _want them? There are, however, lots of authors who only want good ones, and I'm here to tell you that I'm not one of those. If you see something wrong, please tell me, because I improve through feedback. Likewise, if you see something right, you'd make me very happy if you pointed that out as well. PLEASE review, it'll make my day, and if you were entertained by this, it's polite to give something back when the author begs you to do so.

"Loup garou" is indeed the French term for werewolf, and people _were_ burned as them in the Middle Ages and Renaissance. "She has seen the wolf" [technically "Elle avoit vû le loup"] is a French expression for a woman who's lost her virginity, and while obviously Koumie's not one of those, I thought it would be funny to paraphrase it here and see if any of you got it.

Speaking of sex, the next installment rates an M for it, so make sure to filter accordingly. Yes, yes I am crazy to write lemons with Koumokuten, but I'm not expounding on how creepy his face is for the sex scenes, so at least there's that.)


End file.
